The perfect evening routine (according to 'wellness' advice)

You didn't ask for it, yet for some reason I promised it.

Popping into your inbox today with a bit of fun, where I’ve smashed together a bunch of wellness advice to lovingly prepare an extensive and I would say, entirely impossible evening routine.

While this post is intended to, in a way, make fun of beauty and wellness culture, full disclosure – I definitely don’t consider myself above all of these suggestions and have even implemented some of them into my own life. Don’t tell anyone.

Without further adieu, here are all the rituals you should embed in your life, if you wish to have an easy time at night, with no dramas whatsoever. Pair with the below morning routine for the perfect life.

The perfect morning routine (according to 'wellness' advice)

Your perfect evening routine

Good routines start early. To begin your journey towards a good night’s sleep, you draw a hard line on no coffee after 3pm – having caffeine some six hours before bed can completely disrupt your rest, after all! What are you even talking about; you don’t drink coffee, but you avoid all hot drinks with caffeine, just in case.

You’re able to somehow finish work exactly when you’re supposed to, right on the dot. You pack up your work station, prepping it for the next day and enjoy a gentle commute home from either your out-in-the-world office to home (via the gym, or the yoga studio, or perhaps the local pool)… or you simply close the door to the home office, not having a single thought about your job again, until you return.

Regular exercise can aid with sleep, but there’s seemingly an exact science to this. Apparently exercise that is too vigorous will increase your heart rate and potentially reduce the amount you are able to sleep in a night. Okay!

Just to be safe, you make sure you’re completely done with all physical activity 1.5 hours before you climb into bed, as exercise within that window can mess up your sleep routine too. Or does it? Should you maybe just, not exercise in the evening? But it does allegedly have benefits? Fine then.

That sorted out, it’s time to prepare a delicious, nutritious dinner. This may be one you batch-cooked over the weekend; or perhaps it’s a meal you’re making fresh that night. You sit down at the kitchen table to eat, with family, partner or alone. No TVs, phones or reading materials are allowed during this time – just mindful chewing. You may allow yourself a cheeky glass of wine, as you have read somewhere that one or two a week is okay. And some unformed fact about antioxidants is rising to the surface of your mind.

After dinner, all cooking utensils, plates and cutlery are cleaned and every surface of the kitchen wiped down. You’d never know you dined there.

Follow on from your five star health meal, you go for a gentle walk, to help aid with digestion. Once home, you roll out your yoga mat and do a few quick stretches. You’ve heard a moon salutation (chandra namaskara) is a great one for nighttime, so you flow through it, just for good measure.

You still have an hour and a half to kill before you’re allowed to go to bed – good thing you have a fairly extensive skin routine. Gotta combat those signs of ageing, before they even appear!

You put on some soothing, calming music (classical music works best!), which can apparently release hormones that help improve your mood. You find crying helps at times, too.

Using a fresh facecloth, you take off your make-up (carefully applied that morning to insinuate you’re not wearing any at all). You gently wash and cleanse your face for a full minute, then exfoliate your freshly cleaned skin.

Then, you apply approximately four different acids, oils and serums to your face. You pop a specially formulated cream to the skin under your eyes, which you suspect is just face cream, repackaged with a superior label and price tag. Better to be safe than sorry, however.

Within your household, there’s a strict rule of no screens after 8pm. The television goes off and stays off. You flip your phone into airplane mode, as you can’t quite bring yourself to turn it off completely.

It’s time to brush your teeth. You stand on your acupressure mat and reach for your toothbrush.

You used to have to set a timer for two minutes for exact and optimum brushing, but now you have a fantastic electric toothbrush that counts the time out for you! It also lets you know when you’re pressing too hard against your gums (guided by anxiety!), by emitting an ear-splitting electronic shriek.

After you’re done brushing your teeth you floss, of course. You are your dentist’s star patient.

One of your favourite hobbies is reading before bed. You make a cup of hot lemon and ginger tea and light a candle in your bedroom. Your reading lamp goes on, ensuring to only omit the most necessary and gentle amount of light. You pick up your book and flip through a few chapters. It’s not the book you read on the train to work to impress those around you; rather it’s a fun but trashy romantasy novel. Sometimes you read lying on your bed with your legs up the wall – a yoga pose said to help with insomnia. Not that you ever really suffer from insomnia!

You mark your place with a bookmark and pop the book on the bedside table. It’s time to scribble a few lines in your gratitude journal. Today was a pretty great day, you know, and by Jove you’re thankful for it.

It’s time for the last of your nighttime rituals. You pop a healing balm on your feet and pull socks on, to give the cream a greater chance of sinking into your skin. Sometimes you do the same with your hands, making you look like some kind of harmless, woollen beast, but you’ll forgo that tonight.

A little bit of lavender oil is dabbed on your wrists. You take a few calming breaths. Your custom-fitted mouth guard, designed to stop anxious teeth grinding, is popped into your mouth.

You tuck your hair into a silk scarf, apply a a silk eye mask to your face and lie on your silk pillowcase. Silk is apparently a great fabric for your hair, and helps your skin soak in those night creams you drop so many dollars on. Once a week or so, you spritz some bergamot linen spray on your pillowcase and doona – you’re not entirely sure of the benefits, but hey, you like the smell!

Okay. You’re in bed. Now it’s time for the last and final step… drifting off to sleep.

Luckily, you have an arsenal of tricks up your sleeve. You visualise peaceful vistas – the beach, a forest, a meadow in full bloom. You breathe with intention, counting down from 54. Sometimes a mantra or a body scan does the trick. Whatever it is, you’re there, settling in the land of nod for the next 8-8.15 hours.

Thanks for reading along. Catch you next week with a literary list.

‘Til then, stay well and well-fed.

-Celine

If you enjoyed this, you might also like:

Are juice cleanses really good for the soul?

How to begin a meditation practice

Thoughts from a five-day digital detox

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Hopefully it is clear that this is a satirical post and none of this content is intended to be taken as actual health advice.