Are juice cleanses good for the soul?

Or do you just wander around in a perpetual state of hangriness?

Heads up! This fortnight’s newsletter contains ruminations on what is essentially a very short fad diet. If you think this will be upsetting or triggering for you in any way, please skip this edition. In no way am I recommending you do this at home. And further noting that I am not a nutritionist, dietician or any sort of medical expert – just a fool on the internet, sharing their thoughts and feelings. Thank you.

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Greetings and salutations. Gosh, I sound like some extra terrestrial right there.

Maybe it’s because I’m feeling extra alien after flooding my body with nothing but the essence of fruits and vegetables for three whole days.

The last time I did a juice cleanse was around ten years ago. I was in my early-to-mid-twenties, Instagram was brand new and the term ‘influencer’ was yet to be bandied around in the way it would even a year or so later. Someone I went to school with… who would indeed go on to be an influencer of sorts, announced she was doing a cleanse. I was somewhat unknowingly deep in the wellness vortex at this time and decided that looked like a ‘fun’ idea.

This was one you signed up for and had shipped out to you. Although it did circumvent a whole lot of effort (and mess), it wasn’t cheap. Yet, I was a young’un with disposable income for the first time in my life. I signed right up.

The day I had settled on ended up coinciding with me getting called into a 12 hour shift at work. I’d describe it as fairly bad time, on recollection. I’m not sure what I was hoping to get out of it, but it certainly wasn’t life changing in any way.

Anyway, I seemingly learned nothing in my youth, as I’ve decided to embark upon yet another cleanse. Except rather than one day, it’ll be three. And I’m gonna do all the juicing myself, because I’m a stinge, alongside being a masochist.

I thought it would be fun, I guess, to keep a journal of my INNERMOST AND MOST PRIVATE THOUGHTS. Or, I just wanted a space to keep myself somewhat accountable while I embarked upon this ‘journey’ of… self discovery? Of the soul?

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Hold your nose, here we go.

Day 1

I have done some reading on setting yourself up for a juice cleanse. Small meals are recommended. A bit of intermittent fasting, perhaps. Healthy bites in the lead up, obviously.

And I try. I promise, I try. Unfortunately, there is a party the night before and I am powerless against having a good time. So, the last three things I have consumed before attempting this cleanse have become:

• delicious pizza (it was vegetarian at least?)

• a glass of sparkling wine

• a bag of Maltesers.

Oops.

Oh well. Here we go.

8am. The plan I’m following recommends starting with lemon and ginger tea. I ignore this in favour of a pot of the jasmine green and rose tea that I am addicted to. I basically can’t function if I don’t imbibe it first thing, so I guess it is my coffee? An hour later, I make the first juice of the day. It’s a green super juice thing. I am down two ingredients and completely forget to put one in, so off to a strong start.

One of the missing ingredients is spirulina, which was certainly doing the superfood rounds way back in 2012. I haven’t bothered buying any, as after this it’ll end up sitting in my pantry ‘til the end of days. Pointless.

The juice smells like broccoli and tastes… nourishing.

11am. Time for the second juice of the day. I’ve been feeling pretty hungry between juices, but luckily I drink like 1.5L of tea every morning, which can be quite filling. This juice contains beetroot – so of course, I end up with pink stained hands. I drink the juice, then head off for my lunchtime yoga class.

1.30pm. This is probably the fruitiest of all the juices so far, containing mango, pineapple, lime and orange. I drink it in a wine glass, which makes it feel like a bucks fizz; so that’s flirty and fun. My stomach is having a bit of a gurgle now, but having something fruity for lunch did negate my daily craving for a sweet treat immediately after this meal.

4pm. This is definitely the hardest part of day one. Its the time of the day when the snack monster swoops in and makes themselves very much known. I have both haloumi and smoked trout in the fridge and find myself spending long moments thinking longingly about them both.

I somehow push through to 4pm and make my next juice. It’s supposed to be more of a smoothie, but my avocados have yet to ripen enough to be used. This recipe also asks for a lot of pineapple juice (I’m not the biggest pineapple fan) and another four apples. How do you like dem apples, you may ask – maybe not six of them in a day. I halve the pineapple and throw in a single apple. It’s nice enough, although the creaminess of the avocado could have made a real difference.

6pm. The last juice of the day has a nuttier flavour and looks to be more substantial. It is by far my favourite and a lovely accompaniment to watching A Haunting in Venice, which I’ve wanted to see for weeks now.

My meals for the day are done, but my juicing is nowhere near complete. I need to do some meal prep for the office tomorrow. For the next forty minutes, I walk through the first three juices again. The most consuming part is the washing up. So. Much. Washing! My face-skin may end up benefiting from this cleanse, but my hands are sure to suffer.

9pm. I drink lemon and ginger tea before bed, and desperately hope I won’t wake needing to pee in the middle of the night.

Day 2

7am. Kick things off with a bit of ‘recommended’ tongue scraping (cannot do this without gagging) and the suggested lemon and ginger, mostly as I had some left over from last night. Uncap one of my pre-juiced juices, the (super)greenest of them all. I have to finish it in a rush to make my way into the office, which is not enjoyable.

Once at work, I drink my standard litre of tea and also sip on some chicken stock, made the night before. I don’t particularly love eating fruit (aside from berries, as berries are life) as I tend to desire salt over the course of the day, more than sweet. The chicken broth seems to satisfy this craving, at least.

1030am. Second juice of the morning, the ‘beet-it’ juice. Try as I may, I inevitably end up with beetroot juice on my white shirt. Why I’ve worn white two days in a row while doing this cleanse, I don’t know.

This is definitely my favourite fruit/veg juice of the lot. It’s delicious and somehow (temporarily) filling.

Colleagues have noticed the brightly coloured juices sat on my desk and ask why I am doing this. “For content,” I say, sinking to a new low in life.

12pm. Yummy smells are permeating from the work kitchen. I don’t think I’ve been this attuned to my olfactory sense in maybe, ever?

1230-2pm. Spend some time thinking about báhn mì and how perfect they are. Eat some almonds. Chew some gum.

2pm. Time for the golden glow juice. We’re having a special afternoon tea at work. I forlornly sip on my juice while my colleagues crack into a lemon meringue tart. If it were chocolate, I’d be done for.

5pm. Home, for the next juice. I decide to go for the chia nut smoothie as I need a pick-me-up. It’s advised to do some ‘gentle exercise’ while cleansing, so I go lie down at a yin yoga class for 45 mins.

7pm. Final juice of the day. I’ve somehow ‘eaten’ a whole bunch of celery and a pineapple in two days. Is this… good for you?

10pm. Tea, toilet stop and then, bed

Day 3

I have done some research into how one should be feeling by the third day of a juice cleanse. One article states: ‘Cleansers usually report feeling weightless, energized, and full of life.’¹

Hrmm. Not sure that’s the way I’d describe it.

I’ve battled with this day, as the most stubborn inner part of my soul wants to complete this stupid quest. But the rest of my being is like FEED ME A STEAK. Or, you know. A báhn mì.

6am. Terrible night’s sleep. We’re firmly in the Melbourne season I would describe simply as ‘pollen’ and both I and my partner are suffering from rampant hay fever. I wake up hungry and decide to have something a bit more substantial. One of my favourite smoothies contains bananas, oat milk, cacao and peanut butter… I blend this together and consume it. So yum, much filling.

7am. I’ve done some more reading and decided to continue juicing today, while beginning to transition out of this cleanse. A salad for lunch sounds more-than excellent, followed by a hearty vegetable soup for dinner, using the chicken stock I made a couple of days ago.

My boyfriend keeps packing away the juicer, like he really wishes we were done with this foolishness (or just wants the kitchen space). Me too my love, on both counts.

As I drink my last ‘supergreen juice’ of the cleanse, I reflect. There have been a couple of surprises over the last three days for sure. No rampant headaches, which I was fully expecting, due to detoxing. No bloating. But the ‘energising’ feeling that some articles spoke of. That’s definitely absent.

11am. I beet-it, for the last time. Still my favourite juice by far. But, it’s time for a break. It’s not me, it’s you.

2pm. Consume a salad, solid food at last, accompanied by the golden glow juice. I have to say, juicing a mango, doesn’t really work. I’d much rather juice it straight into my mouth (which is what I end up doing).

5pm. Time for one last chia-nut milk. After having my favourite smoothie for brekky this morning, it does seem like a somewhat poor imitation of deliciousness.

7pm. Okay, that’s enough. I throw some sweet potato noodles into the chicken stock, to eagerly consume. My stomach roars back to life. The juicer is cleaned and packed away and the entire household, dog included, breathes a sigh of relief.

In conclusion

So! Juice cleanses. Yay or neigh? I will say, I had somewhat low expectations going in so perhaps they were met…?

I mostly felt okay during it. No energising high, or I guess deeply cleansing feeling. Mostly, I just questioned my life decisions and wished it were Thursday already.

Would I recommend it? No. Would I do one again? Doubtful. Am I going to eat a báhn mì within the next 48 hours? Probable.

If you have any questions, pop them in the comments.

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What’s cooking recommendations

• Read: A new Charlotte Wood book is generally a treat. Indeed, Stone Yard Devotional did not disappoint. An unnamed woman bunkers down in a rural monastery. The catalyst? She hints at a professional failure and the end of her marriage triggering her need for escape. The climate catastrophe is approaching, a mouse plague is upon the monastery and a controversial figure from her past makes an appearance. It’s a meditation on grief and despair, yet somehow an utter joy to read.

• Listen: I love the podcast If Books Could Kill. For the uninitiated, it’s two American blokes pulling apart the self-help books that grace the shelves of airport newsagents and bookstores. I’ve been hoping that in time, they’d cover The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson… and this week, my prayers were answered. Get it wherever you listen to your podcasts.

• Watch: Do you love horror movies? Me too, my friend. And as fun as the current ‘elevated horror’ craze is for fans of the genre, sometimes you just want to watch something a bit silly. Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving (2023) is based on a trailer he created 16 years ago for double feature Grindhouse (2007) and definitely hits that spot. A pre-Black Friday sale gone wrong leads to a slew of tragic deaths in a small town. One year on, a figure out for revenge starts hunting down the survivors one by one… It’s a classic slasher who-is-doing-it, with some great tension builds and certainly creative scenes (far removed from the torture porn Roth has relied so heavily on in the past, TG).

• Eat: Oh man, it’s hard writing out this section while on a cleanse, without feeling hangry. But I’ve eaten two particularly great things in the last fortnight. A good parma is hard to find and I dined on a particularly delicious iteration at a pub that has recently come under new management and will be taking them off its menu. Sob. Their vego version is made with polenta and mushroom, what a treat. I wonder if it’s hard to recreate at home? Add this alongside the ‘Feed Me’ menu at Melbourne CBD restaurant Tippy Tay and you have one happy gal. I sadly had to turn away the dessert trolley (THE DESSERT TROLLEY) as I had room in my belly for exactly nothing more.

Some of the yumminess on offer at Tippy Tay.

That’s a long enough missive for this week!

‘Til next time, stay well and well-fed.

-Celine

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1. ‘A Step-By-Step Guide To Surviving Your First 3 Day Juice Cleanse’, Pure Green (https://www.puregreen.com/pure-green-magazine/surviving-a-3-day-juice-cleanse)