The perfect morning routine (according to 'wellness' advice)

Start the day on the right note! Put your best foot forward!

Hi there. I’ll admit, I’m in a bit of a silly mood this week. So, it seems fitting to reflect this mood with a bit of a silly post.

While there are some tidbits of information within the wellness sphere that I reckon have roots, a lot of advice on offer is just a bit rotten.

There’s generally a bit of masking of privilege that leaves you feeling like rubbish, while it promises band-aid solutions to issues that at their core, are systemic.

I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with a bit of ‘self care’, but a bubble bath isn’t going to cure burnout, for example.

Not to mention the commercial aspect to the wellness industry – buy this particular blender/yoga mat/meditation cushion and all your troubles will instantly be gone. Okay!

I find the discourse around morning routines particularly interesting. The Internet is full of countless articles swearing the path to success is laid with a solid start to the day. All you have to do is make the effort, and then success will come curling its way towards you!

Never mind any household chores, childcare or general caring duties, chronic illness or overwork issues – the only person standing in your way is you. Sure!

Putting any discussion in that particular arena aside for now, I thought it might be ‘fun’ to take all the wellness advice that’s been encircling my mind for the better part of 15 years, and mash it together into a very cheeky ‘perfect’ morning routine. Mostly for the lols.

Hello! I’m Celine and I write about books, food, and surviving life in the city with a wild heart. Subscribe for free posts like this one, or join the community for other exclusive writing. Either way, thanks for your support!

Your perfect morning routine

Wake up before first light, after having achieved the perfect amount of sleep, that is, the sleep that is PERFECTLY RIGHT FOR YOUR INDIVIDUAL BODY AROUND THE STRUCTURE OF THE WORKING DAY. Spring out of bed. Who needs an alarm clock? What even is a snooze button?

Oh and don’t forget to make your bed. Tidy house, tidy mind.

Flick on the kettle. While it’s boiling, scrape your tongue with your copper tongue scraper. Brew a pot of green tea. Drink a full glass of warm water, with lemon. The first of your eight glasses for the day, or however much ‘science’ has decided is currently required. Gargle with salt, to avoid allowing the acidity of the lemon to damage the enamel on your teeth.

Don your flowiest clothes and grab your tea and mala beads. Head to your meditation room. Yes, your meditation room. Light a candle because CANDLES ARE IMPORTANT FOR SELF CARE. Sit on your meditation cushion. Take a few deep, grounding breaths. Say three things that you are grateful for. Visualise your goals. Maybe throw in some positive affirmations for good measure. Move into your practise of either transcendental or vedic meditation for 15-20 minutes. Meditator’s choice!

Now that you’ve stretched out the mind, move onto the body. Transfer from your meditation cushion to your yoga mat. Spend the next 10-15 minutes going through a morning yoga flow, ending with a few grounding stretches. Breathe deeply and completely, the whole way through.

The sun is now rising. Step outside, grounding your bare feet in the earth and soaking up the morning rays.

Pop on your joggers and take a morning walk. Alternatively, you might want to head to a pilates class, or to the gym.

Once home, take a cold shower that somehow lasts for more than 10 seconds. Moisturise your entire body. Get dressed for the day. Blow dry and style your hair. Apply make-up in a way that makes it look you haven’t.

Prepare a nourishing and filling breakfast. Maybe a green smoothie? Can I tempt you with a plate full of vegetables, with a side of protein? Although apparently there are benefits to skipping breakfast too… you’re in a quandary, whatever should you do?

While you’re eating your terribly healthy breakfast (or not), go over the to-do list for today, which you wrote the night before. Add a few cheeky things you’ve already done and cross them off, for that sense of complete satisfaction.

Somehow, you have time left to spend on a hobby. Maybe some guitar practice? Language learning? You may like to work on your novel. Or scribble in your journal.

Only now may you switch on your phone and start your work day. If you are commuting, take your prepared-last-night healthy lunch and snacks along with you. Read a thought-provoking book on the train or listen to some motivational music. Be sure to smile at your fellow commuters – it’s an act of kindness!

If you’re driving, listen to a podcast that will change your life. If you’re working from home… well, then there’s nothing to add here. Simply start your day. Just remember to actually make use of your standing desk and stretch regularly!

You’ve finished your morning routine. Well done, it only took 3 hours and 46 minutes. You are now completely set up for success. Carpe diem!

Well, that was fun, in a depressing sort of way. Look, I honestly don’t think everything on this list is laughable. There are lots of activities here that are probably good to start your day with – walking, stretching, meditation, having a good breakfast on hand, if you do indeed eat breakfast. And obviously it’s nice to get in a good night’s sleep.

Yet, life often gets in the way. Some days you’ll make it to that early morning yoga class. On others, just getting out of bed is an achievement, for a range of reasons.

Plus, much of this relies on factors we often can’t control. And may seem completely laughable if you are a parent or carer, or have any kind of dependent in your life.

The heart of this newsletter is about finding the joy in daily life, amidst a world that often feels like it’s crumbling. Whether this be through cooking a delicious meal, reading a decent book, or connecting with nature.

I hope you got a bit of a laugh out of today’s post, or at least an eye roll. I’ll see you next week. Same time, same place.

‘Til then, stay well and well-fed.

-Celine

If you enjoyed this, you might also like:

Are juice cleanses really good for the soul?

How to begin a meditation practice

Thoughts from a five-day digital detox

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Hopefully it is clear that this is a satirical post and none of this content is intended to be taken as actual health advice.